This time last year I started out on a journey that changed my life. That may sound far-fetched or dramatic but it’s the only way I can explain in.
We were two months into lock down and I had spent so many weeks crying and feeling scared. Not being able to go out and such meant that I had to spend lots of time with someone who I had been avoiding for years…. myself.
Lockdown made me realise that I had used my everyday business, hustle, and bustle to avoid thinking time. But lock down tock hold and so I had no choice but to just think.
Once I started looking deep into what makes me…me, it prompted me to look at my triggers, my anxiety, my anger. It made me ask myself questions about life. About my future. What I wanted right now. And then, eventually…my past.
I have just written a blog which looks at all the above. About trauma and consequence. But I am not ready to put it out just yet. However, what is clear is that almost all my reactions…and yours…will come from events that took place in our childhood. Good and bad.
My soul searching…. which I think is the way to explain it…led back again and again to one thing.
When I was a kid….
It was not me I was trying to avoid, I mean, its not my thoughts and actions now that I want to get away from.
I had spent half my life trying to ignore “Blondy” and what she had been through. It was very emotional process and at times it was like reconnecting with an old friend. I started to write down different things that had taken place in my childhood, and the failings. I started to see that actually…was I to blame for all the things that took place? Was I rude and bad as people keep saying…or are my reactions trauma based?
I didn’t know what to do with all these thoughts, but I felt as if “Blondy” had been done an injustice and I wanted to make it right somehow. But I could not because …. well…it was done.
I have never told anyone this before, but here goes. I had the concept of Blondys people. I had the theory and how it would look in practice. It was all there. With no name. It was just a load of notes and such about what would have helped me as a child.
One night I was in the bath with some music on. I was exceptionally low. Had been for weeks. And I just lay there with music playing loud. Just random songs on a shuffle.
Suddenly the next song started. It was Adele. The words washed over me. I’m not really like that to be fair. I do not listen to songs and get emotional. I just lay there and started to sob. Proper big people crying. It was a long time coming.
“Hello …it’s me…I was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet”.
I had heard that song a hundred times. Nothing. But each word hit me like a bloody punch in the face.
“I must have called a thousand times….to tell you I’m sorry for everything I have done…but when I call you never seem to be home”.
Swear down….it felt like a mad conversation between me and my younger self. That night was the start of a long journey. A journey that I am still on.
And I started my search for the people that I believed would have made a difference back then.
I have gone off on a bit of a ramble there. But I think its important for people to understand where a concept comes from.
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If you listen, you will find answers when trying to work with children and young people who are at risk of being exploited. It’s all here.
So please make this your bedtime podcast or what you listen to on the way to work. Plug yourself in and listen to what each and every person has to say. Listen to us laugh and make jokes. Listen to the rawness of people’s words. Take in the common themes that emerge.
Listen to what could have changed my life, and then use that to change someone else’s life.
Listen and share people, Big love x
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